On the Job :)

 Let me set this up for you….while working on a Thursday (usually on an empty stomach and 7 shots of espresso running through my veins…mom I’m just kidding) and getting yelled at by a lesbian who says her MaiTai isn’t made right…preceded by the 20 questions that any bartender loves to be asked at 11:30pm with Jay Z blaring in my ear and my lip reading skills in full effect…

Her:  ummmmm what’s good here..

Me:  a bud light…

Her:  whats cheap and really strong..

Me:  Get out!!….I already know where this relationship is headed….

Her:  what can I get for $5….Do you have any specials….

Me: When did my bar become the swap meet….and yes about 50 other people are persistently staring at me with that give me my f%$#ing  drink or I will die look……

Her:  ummm what was that that you just made that girl…..

….and now I’m reflecting where I made a wrong turn in my life and why am I enduring this karmic punishment.  So I carefully begin screaming back at this girl,  because again she wants to have a nice and educational conversation in a loud nightclub at peak hours, making me contemplate wasting my voice….suicide…or becoming a monk ….I can’t decide but besides all this I begin to pray….to Jesus..Buddha…my sister…whoever will listen!!!  ….so what would Jesus do….well for starters..he wouldn’t be wearing a bra top and booty shorts  (I use  that term loosely because I have a rather large situation down there that usually ends up eating all the “material” I call shorts)….so I ask the girl what do you like….

Her:. well something sweet…strong….and cheap…..

I’m really excited at this point because I know she’s probably a really good tipper…..

Her:  well what is that?…pointing at some random subject down the bar….

Me:  a maitai…..

Her:….well whats that…..

……again I’m thrilled to educate…does this look like a bartending school?…it’s a million rums pineapple OJ grenadine …..

her:   ok give me that….

HHHHAAAALLLLLEEEELLLUUUJAH!!!!!!!!!…..the sky has opened up we have a winner…now there are only 100 people looking at me salivating. So I make it…..with a smile.  Of course during the long duration that she has parked her a$$ in front of my bar, do you think she’s had the thought to have her money out or her other friend's orders ready, nope so here we go.  I hand it to her, now she’s the type who thinks this is a free cocktail tasting, she won’t pay until she tastes and gives me the yay or nay on whether she’ll pay for her drink.  Honestly, it’s a very busy nightclub…..ladies and gentlemen this is a business…..you get a cocktail for money!!!!  She gives the nod of approval (like I care at this point)  She gives me a $20, I put her change in front of her, made eye contact and walked away to try and catch up what she probably put me behind about 20 minutes.

Well yes you could’ve guessed my “favorite” customer was once again waving in my face (see rule #3) asking for her change.  I told her I gave it to her directly in front of her made eye contact and made sure she saw her money.  Well again she thinks she’s the only person in the bar and I’m getting the feeling she feels this way at all times wherever she is.  So I’m publicly apologizing to the people at starbucks for her….her gas attendant….the servers who have waited on her….her cleaners…the people at the Abbey (where she probably went before she came to me)….the people at Pavilions…Sephora…..her hairstylist….everyone I feel your pain.  Soooooo , I repeated,  I put it in front of you and you saw it.  She proceeds to berate me in a wonderful version of our language, that I’m sure her parents are very proud of.  “ I was going to tip you, you don’t have to steal”, and I laughed at this point because I would’ve given her $100 to leave the premises and never see her face again! Hunny, I don’t need your $1, IF you were going to leave anything at all. 

As if this conversation couldn’t get any more interesting, her friends chime in,”I’m a bartender and you need to hand me the money”.  Ok, well if you’re really a bartender then you know your friend is an idiot who should never be let out into the world.  As this escalates and I call security to remove these really nice ladies from in front of me, her friend now changes her tune.  Now she’s a cop.   I’m laughing hysterically at this point and pinching myself to see if I’m having a nightmare where I’m half naked and everyone is staring at me for a drink and I can’t move.  No I’m awake, and now it’s turned into comedy central in my corner.   So the bartender/cop/comedian/nurse/teacher is now upset and my favorite customer yells out “you didn’t even make it right!!! “  WHAT??!!!!!!!!!!!  This coming from a girl who had no idea what it was in the first place, but of course everyone is an expert.  They finally begin to get moved and yes this is not a joke the bartender/cop/principal/fireman is asking me if she can order her drink now! What! Hahahahhahaha nooooooooo! YOU CAN’T!  Yes I’m not joking people this really happens and sadly the majority of the time! So therefore I felt it very necessary to write this. PLEASE, people of this great society, LEARN how to act in public.  You are embarrassing to everyone who attempted to raise you!