Bar Etiquette

It is Thursday...the beginning of my work week and I ponder how many times I will roll my eyes, scream "you need Jesus", or contemplate quitting and moving to Bali.  Whenver I write these I always think of my sister, as she is most likely to do all three of these things in one minute.  I have never read an etiquette handbook that actually teaches people how to act in a bar.  So this is straight from the bartender's mouth.  These are not set and can always be changed, modified, or deleted. 

Bar Etiquette:  101

 1. Please approach the bar in a nice manner…and don’t come in screaming with your 26 person bachelorette party with your penis veils and penis water bottles….this is no longer amusing to any of us at the bar and never was.

2.  Wait your turn….maybe your mom and dad think you’re the only one that exists but you’re not.

3. Please do not wave in my face…I have about  7 orders in my head and usually you’re the a%$hole this  is about…I see you!!!!

4. Do not  wave in my face or scream at me for a glass of water!

5. NEVER scream “HEY” at a bartender….i know how educated the normal population is on how a bartender works…but this is never a great opener for the relationship

6. Please don’t stand there for 5 minutes and I finally get to you and you turn around to your friends and ask what everyone wants

7.  Have your drink order ready

8.  Have others you are with  orders ready

9.  Unless you’re at the Rodger room or Soho house don’t ask what’s good here or you will get a jack and coke

10.  Please have your money out…in Los Angeles you know your drink ranges from $8 -$14 so use that head of yours, that lump that is 3 feet above your  a$%  (yes I love tom hanks in a league of their own)

11. Take your change or sign your card immediately

12. Unless you want good service the next time… tip well J whether any bartender wants to admit it or not our $8/hour is not why we stay up from 9-4am

13. Be friendly and smile

14. When You say “it’s my birthday, what do I get?” …you get a big “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” from me (with an eye roll when I turn around)

15.  And finally Grey Goose and Vodka IS NOT A DRINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And no when I ask you 3 times grey goose and what…cranberry oj red bull…..it’s not at all as hilarious as you think it is when you finally catch on that you’re not making sense at all !  Yes this really happens….all night long….