St. Patrick's Day!

Ohhh St. Patrick’s Day…why do you hate bartenders???

         I have been mentally and physically preparing for St. Patrick’s Day for quite some time now.  This wonderful green day and Cinco De Mayo are two favorite holidays for bartenders…………ummmmmm noooooooooo!   Not only do we have to deal with drunk idiots who have been pounding green beer since 10 am…..I have to now figure out a way to remove the green food coloring that has settled deep into my nails.  I am the self proclaimed “nice” one at my bar…hahahhaha…so when I am screaming STUPID BI#$H at 9pm…ummmm West Hollywood we have a problem.  I enter the sea of vomit green…bloodshot eyes…and wonderful breath of our beautiful customers with caution and every angel on my side.  I sent out a freaking “bar etiquette” guide….why why why did none of you read it?  I haven’t even opened my register yet and the stupidity of western society commences.  I think I broke an “eye rolling” record that night…..I didn’t even turn around for most of them or pretended something was in my eye.  Your Irish shirts…leprechaun hats….and green beads are not amusing nor do I want to have a conversation about them.  What do you want to drink?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ohhh Green beer…what a surprise…people there is no difference….it just has food coloring in it!!!!!!!!!! 

                     Me…what?

                     Her….what are your specials?

                     Me….Beer…pitcher $5 for small or $10 for large

                     Her….what about cocktails?

                     Me…..nothing just beer

                     Her…..ohhh so you don’t have any specials on cocktails?

                     Me…..no only beer

                      Her….ohhhh ok…so no specials on any drinks?

                      Me….am I speaking French….no only beer

                      Her….ohhh ok So NO specials on any drinks?

                      Me… J%$^# C@#&^%!!!!!!! Holy mother of GOD!

                       Her….ohhhh ok…so do you have any special green drinks?

                       Me…..OOHHH MMMYYYY GGOOOOOODDD!!!!! NOOO only BEEERRRRR!

This is a joke…right?!...is Ashton Kutcher coming out…am I getting punked???? No…ok…Please continue…

                         Her….well you don’t have to get an attitude with me

                         Me….I have repeated myself 100 times…what language do you speak I’ll translate it on my Iphone….and “stupid” is not an option!

                        Her…..Well I don’t want to order from you anymore!!!!!!!!

                        Me….hahahhaah!!!!!!!!! ok…let me take a moment of silence for that….well good luck with the Russian over there….she’s not known for her “kindness” behind the bar.

                        Her….*Middle Finger*

                         Me….hysterical…thank you…you just made my night!!! 

Again….people…when we go out in public (I am now speaking in my “I’m talking to kindergarten children” voice) let’s try to behave ourselves….

                           -  don’t be rude….

                           - don’t spit on the bartender when you order…

                           - don’t throw green beads at me (unless you want this shortstop’s arm to insert those beads into your face)

                            - know what you want to order…and don’t whine and cry when we’re out of green beer…..

                            -again…if you ask me what’s good here…you will get a jack and coke…and if I’m feeling nice…I’ll throw some green food coloring in it

                             -DON’T FART!!!!!! Just because it is a crowded place and no one will know it was you…..Jesus knows who it was….don’t do it!!!! I do NOT want to smell your intestines who are screaming for a colonic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                             -and please for the LOVE of God….BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!!!!!!!!

       To ALL bartenders….congratulations on making it through another St. Patrick’s day!!!!! Hopefully it was worth all of the headaches during the night!

"Carmen" is a B*&%h!

“Carmen” is a bi#%h

                My sister and I play this game called “S#*t our mother says” on each other’s facebook.  It is probably not as hilarious to anyone else, but we will be on the floor crying.  My mother is an amazing creature from somewhere we have yet to identify.  I will preface with, she is the most amazing mother that has done everything for our family.  Now back to the jokes…hehehehehhe.  One of my favorites is when we were in Orlando, Florida for an ALPFA convention with the Espinoza family and Anita.  We are sitting around at dinner and I was telling a story of Karma.  I said “Karma will always come back and get you!”…which in turn my mother replied “WHO’S CARMEN??! AND WHY IS SHE GOING TO GET YOU?!”   As you could have guessed, everyone was on the floor dying laughing.  Partly because she has a British/English/Boston/New York/I have no idea where she comes from accent that is used in a very proper, “lady like” manner.  Well, I had to explain…mom I said Karma not Carmen….and of course she got upset with me for making fun of her.  MOM…You are just too easy sometimes, but according to Tia Julie she says dad says otherwise!! Ahhahaha …Lo siento Tia…pero tengo que decir ahora.

                Well, Folks….”Carmen” is a Bi#$h…she will always come back and get you.  I just do not understand how our world is full of self involved, self loathing, and people who just have no care in the world for anyone else.  I know my rants can get airy fairy sometimes, but I feel frustrated with a lot of people.  Do we not comprehend yet, what we put out will always come back to us?  Yes, of course this world is tough, but if we can hold on to this thought I think this place would be a lot different.  When people are rude or disrespectful to others, do they ever think that could be someone’s grandparent, daughter, son, mother, father, sister, brother, or friend?  Compassion!  We never know what kind of day someone is having or what they have been going through.  I had a strange experience with Michael coming home from a funeral of one of our friends.  We were at the gas station, and a woman got out of her car and just simply said hello, naturally, we responded hello back.  I thought to myself, that was so nice and bizarre at the same time.  We had an awful day watching one of friend’s caskets being blessed over and this woman was so nice with a very modest gesture.  She had no idea what kind of day we had just had and maybe we really needed a nice hello.  I know it may not sound like much, but it restored some faith I had in humanity. 

                We never know what kind of day people are having or what they have just been through.  They may have just lost their job…family….house….wife…husband….father…mother…dog….or had something awful happen to them.  It does not take much to reach out to others in the simplest ways.  Small expressions of kindness go a long way.  Every day we should strive to do something nice for someone.  Make someone’s day, maybe I will sit and answer each one of my mom’s million questions J.  I don’t know, that’s a little crazy….we will see.  Don’t let “Carmen” come get you in a bad way…..we only want good “Carmen” knocking at our door!

You need Jesus

“You need Jesus”

                As many of my friends and family know…I use this expression often and loosely.  I am positive Jesus blushes with embarrassment every time it leaves my mouth, but honestly Jesus has a sense of humor as we all should.  One of the first times I used this expression publicly was directed at 2 “raider fans” heading south on Citrus Avenue.  According to my boyfriend, they apparently didn’t approve of his driving.  We were not at NASCAR or Whittier Blvd., we were refueling at Starbucks before a family day at Mt. Baldy.  To my surprise as I roll my window down to see what was going on, the middle finger of one of them greeted my impetuous eyes.  As you could guess, their mouths also greeted my ears with wonderful names of me and Michael.  I was in complete and utter shock as to what escalated in seconds over nothing.  “Normal” people would have probably reacted differently but the only words that found their way out of my mouth was, “you need Jesus, a spanking, and therapy”.  WHAT??!!!! Did I just say that?  What does that even mean?  Well I always have to dissect why I say certain things, why would I say this?

1.       I currently hold resentment toward “raider fans” for ruining Dodger games for me and all of Los Angeles (don’t worry I’ll keep meditating on it).  You cause unnecessary ruckus for no apparent reason.  You throw food and drinks on people you do not know for the mere fact they are wearing “Giants” gear.  You cuss and threaten when some families bring their children to Dodger Stadium just to enjoy a game.   Can baseball fans just go and cheer for their team?  If you want to act like that stay home.  You are not doing any good services to our boys in blue, as they need all the help they can get right now. J

2.       I cannot stand when people scream and yell at each other for no reason.  I, in fact know Michael was driving well, because he was driving my car.  I am notorious for checking his lane changes and speed while he is in my car.  He loves this by the way; he tells me frequently how much he appreciates my backseat driving. J

3.       On a serious note, WHY WHY WHY????? Why do we treat each other like this?  I understand your displeasure if someone cuts you off or does something completely unacceptable, as I too have been on the angry receiving end of this.   But people please wake up!   Enough is enough!  Just be Kind!

So, back to my embarrassing words to two men who probably thought I was the craziest b#$%H on this planet.  When I say this expression, it can have numerous meanings.  “Jesus” can represent whatever you believe in to be true.  It doesn’t necessarily have to have religious undertones, but have the representation of something of a higher power that exemplifies goodness and respect.  The majority of our society has no respect for one another.  What happened to holding each other’s doors, saying hello, looking people in the eye and not at their Iphone, letting people in on the freeway, not acting like a jerk in your car, and put the middle finger away already…please!

“You need a spanking”….from your mother, father or anyone within arm’s reach of you!!!! 

So I just experienced the UCLA viral video about Asians and all I can say is wow!!!!! If you have also seen it, you will be without words as well.  Where do I start?! There are so many things I wanted to scream….who raised you?...Really UCLA you let “this “in….who did not spank you when you were little….have you been watching the news “poly sci” major…there was this little devastation called a TSUNAMI in Japan recently!!!!!!!!  Please do not attempt representing how all Americans feel, as we do not feel the same sentiment as you!  There are rude, inconsiderate, and disrespectful people in all colors!! Blonde girl from UCLA..YOU NEED JESUS and a SPANKING! I am positive the many comments you have received have not left out the fact that you could be a certain way because of your looks.  Well, you just did the exact same thing to a group of people you don’t know.  I encounter rude people every day from many different races and cultures.  This is exactly my point….your mom, you mention “who raised you so well”, is hopefully quite embarrassed by your ignorant mouth.  I hope she spanks you when she sees you and makes up for old time, as I’m sure the Beverly Center, Kitson , and all that bleach has absorbed into that brain of yours.  PLEASE MTV, I’m begging you…do NOT give her a reality show…a book deal…or any money.  We have enough of these people running around drunk and naked on television.  On behalf of all Americans, please put your latte down, turn your computer off,  and cancel your you tube account.  Your entire rant was disgusting and embarrassing and you my dear are the reason many countries look at the United States with loathing hatred. 

“You need therapy” ….quite frankly we all need therapy!

WE do we really do!  This world would be a much better place!

                                                                                The End

Love

Love

noun

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3. 

a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

4.

a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.

5.

affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.

          Many people in my life who truly know me inside and out, know I looooooove to exaggerate about everything. It’s unintentional and self indulgently fun for me to think of everything covered in glitter and frosting.  It was brought to my attention by my beautiful friend Jenny, when I get out of the shower I always claim “that was the most amazing shower I’ve ever taken”.  Now, can every shower I ever take be the best one or am I just truly grateful to have opportunity to take showers on a daily basis?  I contemplate about our world and how truly blessed I am to live in this time period, in this country, and born into my family.

          Many of my blogs have been about strangers in my life who I owe much gratitude to for the daily lessons I receive.  Well this excerpt will be dedicated to those who I am madly in love with.  I have the most amazing family, boyfriend, friends, co-workers, teammates, classmates, godchildren, and dogs!  I had the honor tonight to sit amongst one of the most exquisite families I have ever shared a room with.  The overwhelming love and passion that poured right out of their hearts into mine was indescribable.  I am very convinced that it is routine for them to make anyone who walks through their door, feel like family.  Thank you to the Ferrer family, for reminding me how incredible it is to have people in your life who love you for exactly who you are. 

          Family can consist of blood relation or like minded relation, either way it is a collective group of love and passion.  Each and every one of my “families” in my life has taught me countless lessons that I will carry all the way to my grave and beyond.  Independence, self love, GOD, care for the welfare of others, ambition, consideration, Respect, passion, equality,  compassion, love, open mind, playfulness, ability to recover…many of these traits I strive to have, are a result of them and I am eternally grateful. 

          When we slow down we can truly see and hear on a level we have never experienced.  It transforms us into beings that vibrate in perfect harmony with this beautiful universe. Have we ever felt our breath synchronized with this world?  Have we found the beauty in everything that enters our life?  From being given the opportunity to wake up, brush my teeth, wash my hands, watch my dogs rise from their slumber, say good morning to my parents, do yoga, access the world through the internet, tell my boyfriend and friends how much I love them, have the freedom to speak on subjects that many years ago would not be possible, interact with others, give back…..for these I am grateful.

 I loooooooooooove everything in my life and would never change a thing.  I am truly infatuated with everything from cupcakes to my mom’s five million questions… to my boyfriend’s eye rolls… to my sister looking at me as if I’ve done something inappropriate… to dancing to too short….to pizza…to acting like a complete dork….to singing baby got back….to my dad buying me a waterbed at the age of 3….to my friends wondering what the hell is she going to say now….to wedges and Bengals…to Disneyland…to wanting to save every animal….to being completely OK with being ME. I am so blessed that I can be myself and they still love me.  Thank you!

On the Job :)

 Let me set this up for you….while working on a Thursday (usually on an empty stomach and 7 shots of espresso running through my veins…mom I’m just kidding) and getting yelled at by a lesbian who says her MaiTai isn’t made right…preceded by the 20 questions that any bartender loves to be asked at 11:30pm with Jay Z blaring in my ear and my lip reading skills in full effect…

Her:  ummmmm what’s good here..

Me:  a bud light…

Her:  whats cheap and really strong..

Me:  Get out!!….I already know where this relationship is headed….

Her:  what can I get for $5….Do you have any specials….

Me: When did my bar become the swap meet….and yes about 50 other people are persistently staring at me with that give me my f%$#ing  drink or I will die look……

Her:  ummm what was that that you just made that girl…..

….and now I’m reflecting where I made a wrong turn in my life and why am I enduring this karmic punishment.  So I carefully begin screaming back at this girl,  because again she wants to have a nice and educational conversation in a loud nightclub at peak hours, making me contemplate wasting my voice….suicide…or becoming a monk ….I can’t decide but besides all this I begin to pray….to Jesus..Buddha…my sister…whoever will listen!!!  ….so what would Jesus do….well for starters..he wouldn’t be wearing a bra top and booty shorts  (I use  that term loosely because I have a rather large situation down there that usually ends up eating all the “material” I call shorts)….so I ask the girl what do you like….

Her:. well something sweet…strong….and cheap…..

I’m really excited at this point because I know she’s probably a really good tipper…..

Her:  well what is that?…pointing at some random subject down the bar….

Me:  a maitai…..

Her:….well whats that…..

……again I’m thrilled to educate…does this look like a bartending school?…it’s a million rums pineapple OJ grenadine …..

her:   ok give me that….

HHHHAAAALLLLLEEEELLLUUUJAH!!!!!!!!!…..the sky has opened up we have a winner…now there are only 100 people looking at me salivating. So I make it…..with a smile.  Of course during the long duration that she has parked her a$$ in front of my bar, do you think she’s had the thought to have her money out or her other friend's orders ready, nope so here we go.  I hand it to her, now she’s the type who thinks this is a free cocktail tasting, she won’t pay until she tastes and gives me the yay or nay on whether she’ll pay for her drink.  Honestly, it’s a very busy nightclub…..ladies and gentlemen this is a business…..you get a cocktail for money!!!!  She gives the nod of approval (like I care at this point)  She gives me a $20, I put her change in front of her, made eye contact and walked away to try and catch up what she probably put me behind about 20 minutes.

Well yes you could’ve guessed my “favorite” customer was once again waving in my face (see rule #3) asking for her change.  I told her I gave it to her directly in front of her made eye contact and made sure she saw her money.  Well again she thinks she’s the only person in the bar and I’m getting the feeling she feels this way at all times wherever she is.  So I’m publicly apologizing to the people at starbucks for her….her gas attendant….the servers who have waited on her….her cleaners…the people at the Abbey (where she probably went before she came to me)….the people at Pavilions…Sephora…..her hairstylist….everyone I feel your pain.  Soooooo , I repeated,  I put it in front of you and you saw it.  She proceeds to berate me in a wonderful version of our language, that I’m sure her parents are very proud of.  “ I was going to tip you, you don’t have to steal”, and I laughed at this point because I would’ve given her $100 to leave the premises and never see her face again! Hunny, I don’t need your $1, IF you were going to leave anything at all. 

As if this conversation couldn’t get any more interesting, her friends chime in,”I’m a bartender and you need to hand me the money”.  Ok, well if you’re really a bartender then you know your friend is an idiot who should never be let out into the world.  As this escalates and I call security to remove these really nice ladies from in front of me, her friend now changes her tune.  Now she’s a cop.   I’m laughing hysterically at this point and pinching myself to see if I’m having a nightmare where I’m half naked and everyone is staring at me for a drink and I can’t move.  No I’m awake, and now it’s turned into comedy central in my corner.   So the bartender/cop/comedian/nurse/teacher is now upset and my favorite customer yells out “you didn’t even make it right!!! “  WHAT??!!!!!!!!!!!  This coming from a girl who had no idea what it was in the first place, but of course everyone is an expert.  They finally begin to get moved and yes this is not a joke the bartender/cop/principal/fireman is asking me if she can order her drink now! What! Hahahahhahaha nooooooooo! YOU CAN’T!  Yes I’m not joking people this really happens and sadly the majority of the time! So therefore I felt it very necessary to write this. PLEASE, people of this great society, LEARN how to act in public.  You are embarrassing to everyone who attempted to raise you!

Bar Etiquette

It is Thursday...the beginning of my work week and I ponder how many times I will roll my eyes, scream "you need Jesus", or contemplate quitting and moving to Bali.  Whenver I write these I always think of my sister, as she is most likely to do all three of these things in one minute.  I have never read an etiquette handbook that actually teaches people how to act in a bar.  So this is straight from the bartender's mouth.  These are not set and can always be changed, modified, or deleted. 

Bar Etiquette:  101

 1. Please approach the bar in a nice manner…and don’t come in screaming with your 26 person bachelorette party with your penis veils and penis water bottles….this is no longer amusing to any of us at the bar and never was.

2.  Wait your turn….maybe your mom and dad think you’re the only one that exists but you’re not.

3. Please do not wave in my face…I have about  7 orders in my head and usually you’re the a%$hole this  is about…I see you!!!!

4. Do not  wave in my face or scream at me for a glass of water!

5. NEVER scream “HEY” at a bartender….i know how educated the normal population is on how a bartender works…but this is never a great opener for the relationship

6. Please don’t stand there for 5 minutes and I finally get to you and you turn around to your friends and ask what everyone wants

7.  Have your drink order ready

8.  Have others you are with  orders ready

9.  Unless you’re at the Rodger room or Soho house don’t ask what’s good here or you will get a jack and coke

10.  Please have your money out…in Los Angeles you know your drink ranges from $8 -$14 so use that head of yours, that lump that is 3 feet above your  a$%  (yes I love tom hanks in a league of their own)

11. Take your change or sign your card immediately

12. Unless you want good service the next time… tip well J whether any bartender wants to admit it or not our $8/hour is not why we stay up from 9-4am

13. Be friendly and smile

14. When You say “it’s my birthday, what do I get?” …you get a big “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” from me (with an eye roll when I turn around)

15.  And finally Grey Goose and Vodka IS NOT A DRINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And no when I ask you 3 times grey goose and what…cranberry oj red bull…..it’s not at all as hilarious as you think it is when you finally catch on that you’re not making sense at all !  Yes this really happens….all night long….