Always a Bridesmaid never a Bride!

I just had the opportunity to experience “Bridesmaids” the movie!  I have not laughed….cried….and almost peed in my pants all at once, in a very long time.  I will indefinitely say this is the most screamingly entertaining movie I have ever seen!!!  I have never felt such a community of uncontrollable hysteria in a theatre before.   From the beginning to the end, I had to cover my mouth from embarrassing Michael with my over the top laugh…almost choking on my nachos..or spitting my soda out …I couldn’t control myself! I don’t know if it is because I can relate to being in a wedding (as I have been in about 500) or the hilarity of relationships between women.  Kristen Wiig is an absolute genius both as a writer and an actress.  Wiig and Annie Mumolo nailed every emotion, behavior, and schizophrenia that overcomes women when a wedding is in the works!!  Thank you to the both of them as this movie serves as a revolution for funny women in Hollywood!!!

If you have ever been a part of a wedding, you will see yourself in each one of these characters and have felt these ridiculous emotions at one point.  Whether anyone wants to admit it….you have felt insecurities, jealousy, sadness, happiness, joy, excitement, or complete indifference toward the entire process….and you know what??? IT’s OK!!!!!!  I have been a maid of honor about 100 times, which is just another word for the bride’s slave.  Hahahahhahah! Only kidding….Kind of! As I speak about weddings, the one that sticks out in my mind is my sister’s.  Bridezilla is an understatement…she wasn’t as much screaming at people as she was crying.  Every trip ended in tears, by either her or my dad (depending on how many times he had to pull his wallet out).  My sister would cry….my mom would be off smoooking (my mom’s English/New York/Boston accent)….my dad would be shaking his head looking at all of the bills…..I would be sitting self indulgently laughing….and my poor brother in law would be looking to me for support.  I would just give him that “hey welcome to the family” look with a sly wink!!! I have to admit I enjoyed every minute of it.  If you have ever met my family you would completely understand.  They’re hysterical!!!  Bravo eat your heart out! The real housewives of Covina coming soon!

Why does this ceremony throw women into a frenzy??!!  It brings out feelings that some women didn’t even know they possess.  There is a part in the movie where one of the bridesmaids says, “are you F&^%ing kidding me?” and stabs one of the decorations!!! BRILLIANT! I’ve seen so many girls completely lose it and when I saw this, I lost it!!!!!! We as a gender are a little on the crazy side, we have to admit girls!!! It’s ok….if we weren’t this way men would be completely bored out of their mind! In the magazine Glamour there is a section called “Hey, it’s ok if……” ….well here is my wedding version!

Hey it’s ok if you……..

1.        As a bridesmaid…you order a dress two sizes too small to give yourself motivation and the day of the wedding the dress completely rips off of you right before pictures! (I won’t mention any names!)

2.       You secretly want to rip the bride’s face off because she has the perfect life and you’re still living with your parents!

3.       Get obliterated at your friend’s bachelorette party and throw up on the machines in the casino…get wheeled out…and get us all kicked out

4.       You get wasted at your friend’s bachelorette party….we lose you…and find you hanging upside down on the gogo cage like monkey bars.

5.       If you pull out your breast and spray the bar with breast milk!

6.       If you stop the entire club by doing push ups and squats on the gogo box and have everyone screaming 1…2….3…..4…..5!!!!!!!!!!

7.       If you ask for a Latin one and got a Black one and he says he’s Dominican!

8.       IF you light your sister’s “binky” on fire during your speech..Hey she’s married now!

9.       If you sing Baby got back on stage in your Bridesmaid’s dress

10.   And finally….It’s perfectly ok with being happy for her when you are completely content with your life and can’t wait for what the future holds

 Thank you to everyone who was involved with that movie!!! Thank you for showing women how ridiculous we can act sometimes and in the end it’s all ok.  Many blessings to those who have served in all of your friend’s weddings, it will just make yours that much more amazing!!!!!!!!!!!

Stinko De Mayo

After long extensive research, I have come to the conclusion that an epidemic has swept the West Hollywood area. 

Halitosis- N. the state or condition of having bad breath. 

What I don’t understand is: if people go out to meet a potential mate, why wouldn’t you brush your teeth or have a piece of gum accessible.  So everyone asked for blogs from Cinco de Mayo and to be honest it was quite uneventful.  When you put me in a bar of all Latin music, nothing can break that blissful zone.  Besides the lesbians dressed as Pancho Villa and being asked “if there are any specials” approximately 900 times, it was a quiet night.  The one thing that worries me for the future of dating is the lack of concern for breath that smells like you just pooped out of your mouth.  So on this day, I know everyone has been chowing down on Mexican food and washing it down with margaritas.  We all know how well Mexican food settles in the stomach, so for me to be writing about your breath rather than your flatulence speaks volumes!!!!  This situation puzzles me, as there are many solutions sold rather inexpensively at any corner store.  Before you go out into public, where you will reflect how well of a job your parents did on raising you….

Mouthwash…

Floss….

Brush….

Maybe mouthwash again…

Brush again if you want to get crazy wild!!!!!!!!

As you leave the house…grab gum and mints to be fresh after you eat.  I understand once you’ve hit the land of intoxication, all cares are thrown out of the window.  We, at the bar, have found many interesting items left at the bar due to inebriation; purses, wallets, underwear, floss, sunglasses, retainers, phones, people…..yes!!! People!!! So I am positive that your breath is not your top priority!  That night we found a girl passed out on the floor in the cabana. Where are her friends?? Who is she? She didn’t even know her own name…this being  a whole other topic I will not address at this time…..hmmmmmm and as I was staring at her….I couldn’t stop obsessing about how bad her breath probably smelled!!!  Yes, I will admit I have a problem with teeth, breath, and smells.  If I had it my way I would probably brush my teeth about 100 times a day, but I humanly understand it is not healthy for my teeth! Hahahahaha! I could use this OCD tactic for the good of other’s lives and bring it to their attention of why they might still be single.  I am so grateful for the bar in many ways.  I have learned so many life lessons that are not taught in school or home.  I am not at all saying I always have good breath…ask my boyfriend! Hahaha! He will attest to the fact that there are many times I need a breath mint!   So beautiful people of West Hollywood I will provide of bowl of mints for you!  Before you order, please place one in your mouth and I will give you whatever you want with a smile! Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Doom Day!

To all my fellow bartenders…..

Let’s gather for a moment of silence…as it is May 5….uuuhummm Cinco de Mayo.   Today is the dark day when all of society throws on their ponchos….straps their sombrero hats on….and commences to act like complete morons!  I hate to break it to all of you…perrrrrrooooooo you’re NOT Mexican…nor do the Mexicans appreciate you trying to be with all of the insulting stereotypes! Actually, this Mexican is very amused by it so keep on playing…player!!!!  As long as I do not have to make green beer….this girl is a happy camper…..I can pop coronas alllll night with a big fake smile on my face! J

WE should all gather on the corner of Santa Monica and Robertson blvd and initiate the largest prayer circle known to mankind.  Dear Lord Jesus Christ son of God….please come to our aid tonight and grant us patience.  For these souls have no idea what they’re doing!  They actually know exactly what they’re doing….I started to see Facebook messages at 4am….happy cinco de drinko! I started to meditate and will be in meditation until I have to leave for work…as I need all the help I can get!  HAHHA I’m sure the Mexican Army of 1862 are so grateful that all of their hard work is now referred to as cinco de drinko!  To all who served in the Battle of Puebla…thank you for all of your sacrifice for the freedom of others!

To all of society who will be going out tonight: here are a few instructions as many of you have obviously not read my previous entries!!!

1.       Do not scream at me!

2.       Have your order ready!

3.       There are no specials…unless you are at Fiesta Cantina!

4.       Have your money ready….this is not an open bar!

5.       I don’t care about your idiotic costumes…your friends are the only ones who care.

Now let’s have a great evening!!!!!! Let’s all have fun and make money!!!!! J  Coming soon to a computer near you…..a new blog tomorrow! I have graciously received many blog requests about tonight, so I will be taking notes while I’m working! Happy Cinco de Mayo…please party safe!!!!!!

America!

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

As our country celebrates the murder of one man, I sit conflicted mesmerized by the images of joy.  I initially did not know how to feel and continue to feel torn between what I “should” feel as an American and what I truly feel as a human being.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, as that applies to me as well.  I will never forget 09/11/2001, as I was on the towers days before that date. It affected me in a way I will never be able to place in tangible words.  I mourn the loss of fellow innocent Americans, was saddened for those who helped me that day in the towers, and forever moved by how our world was turned upside down within minutes.  As the ten year anniversary of that terribly tragic day falls upon us, the man who was named responsible is dead!   What some of us do not quite comprehend yet is…will this stop evil forever? The undeniable answer is NO! Just because this man is gone doesn’t automatically mean peace for all.  “Celebration of Death” …”Peace through Violence”….these words completely contradict themselves.  I, amongst anyone do not condone evil or mistreatment of human beings.  I cannot even watch the news because I will end up in hysterical tears, especially when it comes to children and animals. 

I did not lose anyone directly during this long 10 year run of protection, hatred and violence.  I personally thank every single one of the troops who have served our country in ways I will never be able to humanly comprehend.  You and your families have sacrificed incomprehensible parts of yourself and your lives!  From the bottom of my heart thank you!!!! I don’t know and never want to know if I could ever handle the things you have seen or experienced.  On that being said….anything I say beyond this does not take anything away from our brave troops and their beautiful families!  

When I first heard the words uttered….”He’s dead…they killed Osama Bin Laden”….I was numb.  I was in complete shock, filled with conflicting emotions.  I know deep in my heart, killing someone does not make everything right.  Must he pay for what he’s done??!!! YES!! Absolutely! When there is evil…there must be consequences!  Do I agree stripping him of his power is correct…yes!  Do I agree with premeditated murder….no! I am sorry but my answer is no.  I sincerely hope I will never have to place myself in the situation of the family and friends of those whose lives were lost in the last ten years.   No one ever knows how they will react when a tragedy strikes, but I strongly believe violence and violence does not equal peace.  I speak about compassion on many occasions; this word is not defined by justifying evil.  This world is upside down defined by hatred, violence, lack of values, lack of respect, lack of compassion, lack of love, lack of service for a higher power! We are all one….we are all connected…when you hate ….you are ultimately hating yourself….when you show lack of compassion….you are directly hurting yourself.  It is time to stand up and take responsibility for ourselves!!!!!!!!!!!  I have heard “Kill!!!!!!! Kill them all!!!!!!!!!”…..who’s “THEM”???? All Muslims are proudly NOT represented by the Al Qaeda, as I am not defined by the Los Angeles gangs or the drug addicts or murderers.  I have compassion for everyone, because you do not know what someone has been through until you have walked in their shoes!  All we can do is carry ourselves in a respectful manner full of love and generosity for this human race.  If we are not born into those worlds, we need to hold ultimate gratitude for what we have!  Without the high vibrations of positive words and actions, our world will wilt and die. 

Are we ready for “Change”….are we ready for “Sacrifice”…are we ready to take responsibility??!!!!!!  We have to be able to look ourselves in the mirror and like what we see.  I cannot do that by being excited for a man being killed.  We are all responsible for this killing….we are responsible for the ultimate corruption of this world!  We have to stand together and create success!  I am proud and grateful to be an American!!! I am also proud to be an intricate part of this human race.  We have to say enough to something that is not working! 10 years of proof….violence isn’t working!  Thousands have lost their lives for reasons that are not moving in a fluid forward motion.  We are sadly moving backwards.  WE are devastating the many heroes who have stood up for the rights of the human race!  We must always choose love.    Let’s choose peace!!!


-This is dedicated to Catrina Jones for her inspiration! Thank you!